Waiting...

The first few years of my marriage, I suffered from depression. It was caused by birth control, and I had a tendency to have an episode or two a year anyway. After realizing just how severe it was, I quit the birth control. Nine months later, I decided to try a different type of birth control. The doctor was hopeful; I was hopeful. But, I felt things start to go south again...

January 15, 2007
This is the third poem I had published.

Waiting...

Waiting....

for the happiness to melt away.

for me to forget it existed.

Waiting for tears to fall in the middle of the night,

and for no one to notice.

Knowing the anger will bubble over at some point,

but the strength will not be there to do anything about it.

Waiting until I attempt something-

Knowing I probably won't,

but I'll continuously think about it,

And hate myself for the lack of courage.

Waiting until I am completely alone,

Even when surrounded by dozens of people.

Waiting until I finally look in that mirror,

and hate the person I see looking back.

      It is coming.

      I feel it more everyday.

      The darkness that plagued me for years.

      It is coming back.

      Do I admit defeat?

      Will that make it go away?

      Or is just me,

      and I have no hope?

Why don't I have an answer?

Am I really angry,

with the right to be?

Or is it the darkness

blinding me from reason?

What if I stop,

and I am still angry?

I wait to find the answer.

But I am not patient.

I do not wait well.