I promise...

January 1, 2007
My new year's promise to myself...

I promise

I promise ...
to be happier than I was last year.
to return phone calls quicker than I usually do.
to be a better wife, teacher, sister, daughter, and friend.
to forgive.
to trust.
to stand up for myself when it is needed.
to kick ass when the situation calls for it.
to keep scum out of my life.
to not talk bad about the scum.
to limit my myspacing.
to do the laundry in trade for the floors.
I will show my appreciation more.
I will grade papers faster, and return them promptly.
Mostly, I promise...

I will do my best to improve myself. 

I will not change for you; 

I will change for myself.

 It is a new year...

Waiting...

The first few years of my marriage, I suffered from depression. It was caused by birth control, and I had a tendency to have an episode or two a year anyway. After realizing just how severe it was, I quit the birth control. Nine months later, I decided to try a different type of birth control. The doctor was hopeful; I was hopeful. But, I felt things start to go south again...

January 15, 2007
This is the third poem I had published.

Waiting...

Waiting....

for the happiness to melt away.

for me to forget it existed.

Waiting for tears to fall in the middle of the night,

and for no one to notice.

Knowing the anger will bubble over at some point,

but the strength will not be there to do anything about it.

Waiting until I attempt something-

Knowing I probably won't,

but I'll continuously think about it,

And hate myself for the lack of courage.

Waiting until I am completely alone,

Even when surrounded by dozens of people.

Waiting until I finally look in that mirror,

and hate the person I see looking back.

      It is coming.

      I feel it more everyday.

      The darkness that plagued me for years.

      It is coming back.

      Do I admit defeat?

      Will that make it go away?

      Or is just me,

      and I have no hope?

Why don't I have an answer?

Am I really angry,

with the right to be?

Or is it the darkness

blinding me from reason?

What if I stop,

and I am still angry?

I wait to find the answer.

But I am not patient.

I do not wait well.

Thank You

I wrote this when I realized I was a better person because of the pain other people had caused me.
October 18, 2006

Thank You
To those that laughed at me
--It made me kinder to others.

To those who doubted me.
--It helped me persist to success.

To those who called me stupid.
--You showed me how smart I can be.

To those who called me ugly.
--It revealed the beauty I really have.

To those that made me cry.
--You showed me how to love

To those that persisted in abusing me.
--It made me determined to beat you.

To those that betrayed me.
--You showed me I can forgive.

To those who tried to hurt me.
--You gave me faith that I will heal.

To those that used my innocence .
--It made me more aware

To the few that broke my heart.
--It made me grateful for those who didn't.

To everyone who wanted to keep me down.
I thank you.
Because of you, I know I have the strength to get back up.
Because of you... I always do.

Thank you-
JC, CS, SL, AW, MR, AJ, JW, AP, BP, SE, JL, RS, JJ, JI, SE, CJK
I am me because of you.

Words behind the Action

There were actions, and I didn't really know what they meant. I made this up in hope that it was the feeling behind things. I know now that I was wrong, and this was simply me wishing it was how it was, but I'm not hiding my stupidity from this blog. 

September 2, 2006   24 years old

Words Behind the Action
When you asked me to spend time with you,
I made other plans.
When you asked me to sit and talk with you,
I talked to everyone else.

When you asked me to ask if you're alright,
I never mentioned it again.
When you asked me to take you out that day,
I went out with my friend.

When you asked me to hold you till you fell asleep,
I stayed in the other room.
When you asked me to be faithful, for me to be true,
I promised, but I lied to you.

But now I'm done-
Being the one who lets you down.
I'm starting again-
Doing my best to live the life I've found.

When you asked me to bring flowers soon,
They were roses and I bought three.
When you asked me to not stay out too late,
Everyone left long after me.

When you asked me to give you time to think,
I knew I'd wait for you.
When you asked me to choose, and stay strong,
I did what I had to do.

When you were busy and things needed done,
I did what I could to help you.
When you asked me to try to show my love,
I promised, and I told the truth.

Because I'm done-
Being the one who lets you down.
I've started again-
Doing my best to live the life we've found.

Someday you'll ask me for something again,
Know I'll do what I can.
Someday you'll reach out for me again,
Know that I'll take your hand.

Someday, please need me to be strong for you,
I won't run away this time.
Someday, please ask me what you mean to me,
I'll say that I still want you as mine.

I can't stand-
the idea-
of again breaking your heart in two.
From this day on-
I will try-
to be the one who deserves to have someone like you.

Pain

In 2006, I was healing. I jumped into the process a little too quickly though, and let myself pretend to be happy before I'd actually grieved over everything. I never got rid of the pain that had been caused- I just pretended it didn't exist.

Months later, I felt the pain returning. I knew it was going to encompass me, and I didn't really know how to avoid it. I wasn't expecting it to show up like it did. I knew that I could overcome it- I had faith and hope in my future. But I also knew that I couldn't kill it for good alone, and I worried that I wouldn't be able to pull others into my army.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006     24 years old

Pain

It lurks in through the pores

through the eyes, through words.

                      Hiding in the shadows inside

                               It creeps beneath the muscles

                               and winds around the heart 

                                               Not striking, but waiting.

                                               Patient for the perfect moment.

                                      Dormant for weeks, months...

                                      Perfectly hidden by laughter

                                      Covered in layers of smiles

                        Just waiting to show itself.

                        Counting the moments before it comes out of the darkness

                                Before pouncing on the stomach with the weight of twenty anvils

                                and puncturing the heart with razor fangs.

Surprise is pains greatest ally.

So it waits.

                      You cannot hunt it down

                      It will only evade the capture,

                      and grow as you feed it with deception.

                                                   You cannot avoid it.

                                                   It grows faster with lies

                                                   and it will overtake if never faced.

          When it strikes, you must attack.

                  Swords drawn,

                         Flags flying,

                                Full army-

                                     attack.

            Or you will lose. And it will win.

                          Damage will be done,

                          but what is rebuilt will be a dream none thought possible.

                                                      

I do not fear the inevitable attack.

        I too wait, ready.

        I will attack.

             Head on.

             Full force.

In the end, my banner will fly.

                                                  My only fear is that I will fight alone.

                                          And I will have won a battle, not the war.

My Rock

The Rock
I once had a rock.
I washed away its dirt.
I polished it.
I put time, energy, and love into this rock.

This rock was my strength
and I built my house on it.

Someone came and stole my rock.

And my house fell apart.

I tried to fix my house,
and though I could live in it,
it was not the same.

I was told I was getting my rock back.
I ripped down some of my walls
to prepare to put the rock back
where I thought it belonged.

But then the plan was changed.

The thieves have started building their house on my rock.
And since my house is kind-of rebuilt,
there is no sense in giving me my rock back,
and wrecking their house,
even if it isn't finished,
and it was my rock first.

I do not understand
why thieves get the rock that I shaped and loved.

I do not understand
how I deserve to live with a shambled house.

I do not understand
how to rebuild, again, the walls I took down.

Mostly, I do not understand
how to live with the empty hole
where my rock used to be.

I saw us...

After everything that happened with Andy and me in 2006, we struggled to find ourselves together again. We walked on egg shells around each other. I didn't really know what to say to him a lot of the time. Thursday, August 10, 2006, there was a moment when it all changed.

age 24

I saw us...

I saw you today.

As you talked about your dream, I saw you-

when your eyes shined a little brighter,

when your smile came easily.

I saw me today.

As I passed the hall mirror, I saw me-

in my head that was held high,

in my confident gaze.

I heard you today.

As we said goodbye and I love, I heard you-

no longer trying to convince me it was real,

no longer not believing it yourself.

I heard myself today.

As I laughed at your silly comment, I hear me-

Not wondering if you meant it,

Not wondering if you wished it was someone else's laugh.

I saw us today.

As you told me a story in the car, and I rolled my eyes- I saw us.

We were talking without a mountain between us.

We were laughing as if we'd never hurt each other.

I saw us today.

Maybe only for a moment.

But you were there,

and I was there.

We were together again.

The us that existed before

You lost your way

And I lost my mind.

Maybe we'll find our way back.

We'll be rescued from the hell we drove ourselves into.

The rain will fall, and we can dance in it.

We'll watch the stars from the mountains again.

In the clouds, we can find elephants and baboons.

I saw us today.

I'm hoping to see us again.

I think I will.