Solutions

Chills
Shaking violently
Buried in blankets
Legs wrapped around
Arms rubbing

No comfort comes
No relief
It doesn't
End

Fever burns deep
Making everything else
Feel cold

As long as there is a fever
There will be
chills
No matter how many blankets you lie under

Heartache
Crying endlessly
Wrapped in arms
Told you are loved
Kisses plenty

No comfort comes
No relief
It doesn't
End

Deception hurts deep
Making it hard to
Like yourself

As long as there is deception
There will be
Heartache
No matter how many people love you.

expectations

i am expected to be what others are not

i must be honest when others tell lies
     and their lies are forgotten when mine is used against me years later

i must keep promises when others break theirs
     and they excuse it for themselves but will not allow me to do the same

i must say only nice things when others can hurt me
     and their crime must be ignored but mine will be written in stone

i must forget everything done to me when others are allowed to hold on
     and curse those who hurt them and tell me not to speak badly about others

i must be forgiving when others are allowed to seek revenge against me
     and they seek me out to hurt me even though I never wronged them

i must be strong while others are allowed to fall apart
     and people rush to their rescue but tell me to just hang in there

and sometimes these expectations bother me and i wonder
     do they place them on me
     or do i place them on myself?

and then i reread this list of expectations
and something in me changes...


I accept the challenge they present,
and I smile knowing

     I am expected to be honest & keep promises
             because they know I have integrity.
     I am expected to forget and forgive
             because my life is too full of good to have room for hatred
     I am not rescued
             because I can be amazing on my own.

I am from

In my class, we wrote I am from poems today. This is mine-

I am from
     unicorns guarding me in my sleep
     dancing with pandas and Raggedy Ann
     flying to the moon in a cedar tree rocket ship
I am from
     red sand cracked like a broken mirror
     roads and hills covered in snow
     schools with doors that opened to the outdoors
I am from
     riding the fire truck down main street
     sock basketball on laundry day
     long drives to Idaho every summer

I am from
     blue and white stadium seats
     red and white running uniforms
     purple and white streamers in my window
I am from
     believing it would all work out
     respecting teachers and officers
     helping neighbors and anyone who called
I am from
     small towns where everyone knew me    
     classrooms where I was expected to succeed
     a home where I am very loved
     
    

:)

December, 2010

There were some great moments in December. I was a little baffled that things had gone from so bad to so good without me even realizing it was happening.

:)

Tornado

Hurricane

Spinning in the same circles

Over and over

Wondering

Analyzing

Repeating the same bad thoughts

Over and over

Sunrise

Rainbows

Bringing hope to all watchers

Again and again

Questions

Answers

Smiling with realizations

Again and again

To a stranger,

May 26, 2010
This is to Jeff, Pamela's husband. We were texting and emailing, trying to help each other through the situation we'd been thrown into. I don't really know him, but I knew how he felt.

As he explained something, I could finish his thought, because I had already thought the exact same thing.

As much as it helped me to have someone understand how I felt, it pained me to know that someone else was suffering as I suffered. And I couldn't fix it for him...

To a stranger,

I am forever linked to you,
though we have never met.
I don't even want to meet you.

I know what you want
I know what you deserve
I know how you feel

And I have never even seen your picture
Nor will I ever
And I don't even mind

We are linked forever now

I wish we weren't.
I wish we never shared this experience
because I wish this never happened. 

But it did.
And you are now a chapter of my life
A chapter I want to erase.

And because we are linked
I know, if you had a choice,
You'd erase the chapter with me too.

This Space Inside My Head

Sept. 15, 2009

This Space Inside My Head

I'm glad when I am distracted

by events in life

and people needing me

and the world's ordeals

It keeps the space in my head

occupied

for a moment

and it-

for a moment-

is not filled with myself

It's a relief when the space is filled

and not echoing the past

or questioning the future

or debating endlessy

I'm tired of the voices

rambling

the same thing

repeatedly-

the same thing-

that I didn't want to hear to begin with.

Dear Andy,

January 26, 2007

Dear Andy,

You are better than you think you are.

You care about people as deep as anyone,

      and you are not afraid to ask the difficult questions.

You don't judge them when they answer.

You love people unconditionally.

When people need to hear it, you tell them the hard truth.

You know what has to be done to make others feel better.

You give people a belief in themselves,

      and show others how wonderful they can be.

You are there when people need you,

      and have a way of opening up people's soul. 

You make people laugh,

      and you make them happier than they were

      before they talked to you. 

You really do care about people,

      and you are willing to understand them. 

No matter what, you don't quit on people. 

You don't purposely hurt people.

My only question about you-

     Why don't you see this in yourself?